Tom's Page O' Funny Stuff
somefeminazi: "Some guys just don't like a stripper encounter weeks before their marriage."
Me: "Then they are lying/gay.
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Becky: "Is Adam there?"
Tom: "Nope. Not too sure where he is..."
Becky: "Oh. Well I'm in Florida and I don't want to get yelled at because he'll think I didn't call."
Tom: "I'll tell him you called."
Becky: "Oh, here, Jennifer wants to talk to you:"
Jennifer: "Hi Tom! What's up?!" Jennifer yammers on for a minute or two... in futility, Tom attempts to end the conversation several times, but to no avail.
Jennifer: "Haha, the drunken guys on the beach are yelling abou-" *click*
Several Minutes Later
Becky: "Is Adam back yet?"
Tom: "Nope."
Becky: "Jennifer wants to know why you hung up on her."
Tom: "She was getting boring."
Becky whispers in the background as Tom says goodbye and hangs up the phone.
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Jason: Man, my head HURTS.
Tom: Yeah, but damn you were funny playing cards last night...
Jason: We played cards last night?
Manny: Yeah... you made up rules.. you took quite a few drinks.
Jason: Damn... I don't remember that.. hey, where are my car keys?
Manny: I think Karol had them last.
Jason: Karol had my car keys?
Manny: Yeah, I think she got them after Tom kicked you out of his bed so you could go make out with her in another room..
Jason: I made out with Karol?!
Tom: Yeah, before you barfed in my bathtub.
Jason: I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF THIS!
Tom: What do you remember?
Jason: I remember walking into the party...~ Jason, Manny, and Tom
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Derek> So would you do her bare?
Tom> God damnit, doesn't anyone ever learn? You ALWAYS wear a condom.
Nick> But what if she's on the pill?
Tom> Do you want AIDS, huh?
Derek> But what if you know of the girl, and she doesn't have anything?
Tom> How much do you fucking trust women? "Oh, I don't have STDs!" SURE, BITCH! Next thing you know, you're at the doctor and they're carving herpes off your dick.
~ Tom, Derek, Nick
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Tom's Response:
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Derek, Josh, and Adam help two stranded young women replace their flat tire with a spare tire.
Adam: "Would you like to know what I'm doing so that if this happens again you can do it?"
Girl 1: "No, we'll just wait for some nice boys like you to do it!!!"
Derek, Adam, and Josh fall into silent frustration and finish the tire change...
Later...
Derek: "Did you hear what that girl said earlier after Adam asked her to look so she could do it herself later?"
Josh: "Yeah. I'm just glad Tom wasn't there... "
~ Derek, Adam, and Josh
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Auto response from RansidZer0 (10:01:25 AM): Pillows are so much cheaper to sleep with than women...
~Tom
"There are only two things you ever have to sign: The prenuptial agreement and the divorce papers. The rest are totally optional."
~Tom
Josh: Oh Vanessa, you got your nails done.
Tom: She got her what done?
Vanessa: You noticed it too, right Adam?
Adam: Uhh, I don't think so.
Josh: Dude, her hand was reaching for the same tray as mine and I just, y'know.. THEY WERE RIGHT THERE!
Tom: Sure, Josh. Sure.
~Tom, Adam, Vanessa, and Josh (He might be gay)
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"Tom, maybe you should write a book on your philosophies about women."
"Chapter 1: Women are trading cards. A well rounded collection is always best, and you only brag about the cards that are worth a lot."
"What about sex?"
"Chapter 2: Sex is like a snickers bar. Sure, you enjoy it now, but look at what happens when you always eat the same brand."
"And about commitment?"
"Chapter 3: Marriage is just like loan consolidation. Usually, it's a loan that takes you twenty years to recover from. You hate making payments, and by the time you pay it off you don't have enough money left to do anything anyway, so you might as well just not get a consolidation."
"What about..."
"What, do you want an encyclopedia?"
~Tom and Derek
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Adam: Hey, I think your computer just restarted on its own again.
Tom: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS THING?! GOD DAMNIT!!!
John (From the hallway): That's not God's last name!
Tom: GOD FUCKING JESUS CHRIST DAMNIT, FUCKING HOLY GHOST SON OF A JEWISH CARPENTER'S BITCH!!!!!
(Door to John's room closes slowly.)
~Tom, Adam, and Holy Roller John